Journal from a federal prison – Day Three

Thursday — August 3rd

I know that nobody enjoys the DHS interviews, but today wasn’t too bad. Having a captive audience is actually pretty cool. Today Malone got to hear about the birth of Mike Scott, and I got to learn what happens when you address a federal law enforcement official without using “sir” or “mister” for his first name. Malone had more fun today than I did.

Since the cat is out of the bag I can write my safari here without being afraid of guards finding my notebook. This is how it all began. This is how I ended up in prison without parole. This is how I got three bounties on my head in two countries. The bounties weren’t technically on my head though, only the warrant was in my legal name. The bounties were for Mike Scott, Zachary Morris, and Jonathan Lennon. I know these people well. They’re me.

The guards are coming. I’ll write more tomorrow.



Previous Entries

Monday — July 31st

There’s no such thing as a “bad” job.

Vacuuming floors and cleaning bathrooms after hours at a law firm wasn’t sexy but was better than the alternative: Not eating. In fact, until last week I was working several jobs to put myself through college– Pastor at Pennsylvania’s Church of the Holy Mackerel, Financial Disbursement Officer at a rehabilitation clinic called Fresh Start Florida, cashier at a taco shop called Picante in Arizona, and Community Outreach Liaison for Dignity First, a homeless advocacy group in London. One of those jobs paid me enough to scrape by in a shared apartment; the others existed only on the internet.

I got the job at Picante after my friend quit. They needed someone willing to work nights and weekends, which nobody else at the University of Arizona wanted to do. I got my others through a series of mistakes, errors, blunders and gaffes. While I still have the fake jobs I invented, Picante fired me after the Department of Homeland Security kicked my door in. Picante’s publicity strategy was more centered on advertising at basketball games than on having employees dragged out of their house by swat teams on CNN. I don’t blame them.

My arrest warrant said Jason Powers, me legal name, but the SWAT team laughed and call me Mike Scott. The gig was up.

Tuesday — August 1st

Nothing but scare tactics for my first day. They said they just wanted to talk but they spent the whole time yelling. Special Agent Malone said he didn’t buy the story. Of course he didn’t. A year ago I wouldn’t have believed it either. Not in my wildest fantasies. But it happened. I thought they’re mostly worried about Muslims and Russians but here I am, wearing orange and being interrogated by some prick from D.C. with the imagination of  potato.

It could be worse though. I think.

That was my first interrogation. I was completely honest and Malone still threw a fit like a kid begging his mom for ice cream. Yes, I’m Jason Powers. I’m also Mike Scott, Dwight “Shrewd” Farmer, and occasionally I’m James Halpert and Pamela B. Easley. I’ve been several other people too but Malone doesn’t need to know about them. If he can’t handle the cast of The Office he certainly shouldn’t open Pandora’s box. He’s not ready.

Hopefully they don’t take away my journal. I’m allowed to have it. I think. Just in case I write at night and keep my papers under my sheet during the day. They psychologists here think I’m more of a flight risk than a suicide risk so they let me keep my sheets. Sometimes it’s the little things in life that make big differences.

I try to think on the positive side. When I get out I’ll have the gnarliest journal ever. How often can the same story work as a capstone project for both Creative Writing and Journalism majors? I might not be the first to try but I’ll certainly be the best. They’ll see.

Wednesday — August 2nd

Finally. My side of the story. Malone figured out that what I said yesterday is all he’s getting out of me without a lawyer present so he relaxed a bit today. Yesterday he couldn’t stop yelling. Today he couldn’t stop laughing. I don’t know if he was laughing at the story or laughing at me for trying to convince him that Mike Scott was all a joke. I guess it doesn’t matter. Laughing was better than yelling. I wouldn’t say Malone was more relaxed, but I certainly was.

He didn’t want to start from the beginning. He just wanted to know about Mike Scott. No context. I gave him some backstory anyways. The details wouldn’t make sense without it, and I would hide behind a lawyer if he demanded I skip the beginning and middle of the story.

“Let’s go on a safari,” I told him.

From there, his eyes told me everything I needed to know about if he was buying the story. On the one hand, I don’t really expect anyone to believe the story. A white guy from Arizona caught up in everything they’re accusing me of? It would sell papers but be remembered only as a punchline. Unfortunately the Department of Homeland Security thinks otherwise and they’re the ones who control my life now.

Let’s go on a safari.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s