Journal from a federal prison – Day Twenty

Monday, August 28th.

Details of the LRA joke are coming out in the news. The other prisoners aren’t as friendly as they were last week. Malone and Fitz were relentless today. My defense attorney looks like a deer trapped in headlights.

It wasn’t a great day.


This journal is getting pretty long. I guess when you have nothing to do but write it kind of happens. In case you don’t want to read 50 pages to get the gist I’ll recap everything here.

Week one was a tale as old as time. Instead of an alarm clock, I’m woken up by a swat team dragging my face against the floor. When I wake up again I’m in prison being interrogated by Special Agent Malone, who doesn’t like it when you call him Malone. We talked about my life leading up to that day and what made me decide to scam email scammers. The email “scam” was one where I baited Nigerian scammers into making asses of themselves while trying to rob me. We call this 419 baiting or scambaiting. Seeing Korea vets lose their savings to fake charities and fake kids put me over the edge. It started my current disaster.

In week two I met Special Agent Fitzgerald. Him and Malone teamed up to be Bad Cop, Bad Cop. Malone claimed I had impersonated an FBI agent in an email scam. On Friday I found out that impersonating an FBI agent was the least of my problems: I was arrested on terrorism charges, including recruiting child soldiers and running a theocratic militia. It wasn’t a very good week.

In week three we discussed the beginning of my relationship with “Emmanuel — real name unknown — a man who I decided to recruit into the fictitious Church of the Holy Mackerel as a way to waste his time and have fun with him. The more time he wastes with me, the less time he has to scam others.

Week four was where things really went wrong. To make a long story short, I recruited Emmanuel into Lord’s Resistance Army, a very real, very dangerous theocratic militia recruiting child soldiers to fight a battle against several governments in Central Africa. I know that Emmanuel was thousands of miles away and had no intention to join, but his recruitment videos told several government agencies otherwise. I guess I could have been smarter about the whole thing.


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